Things have been quiet around here lately. I could say that I have been busy with work (which is true) or that I have I have been preoccupied with Alex and getting to the bottom of the issue with his constipation (which is also true) but the real reason, or the most prominent reason is that I have been going through a fibromyalgia flare up. I could not write about it here, but in real life I am so open, I talk about all the things that you shouldn’t talk about, so why can’t I do that here? Maybe it will help me feel better?!
I have mentioned before that I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed in 2008 and it was part of the reason that we moved to Cyprus. The heat and our (much improved) lifestyle has helped immensely. However, I did have a flare up during my pregnancy with Alex and it continued until he was about 4 months old. For 3 years, I was completely symptom free. I am not sure whether it was being pregnant with Emma and then subsequently breastfeeding her, which allowed me to be so well, for so long or it was just that I was lucky, but all good things must come to an end.
In August 2016, I had a minor car accident, where I was hit from behind. As the weeks went on, it became more evident that I was having a flare up and it took until early January, many medications and intensive physiotherapy to get me back to feeling myself. Life started to go back to normal for me. No pain, no mention of surgery to try to allow me to walk better, no reflux due to all the medications I was taking. Life was good.
And then 5 weeks ago, I started to feel sick and exhausted. It was unrelenting nausea that never stopped. It was a week before my period and I just knew I was pregnant. It was exactly how I found out I was pregnant with Alex. Several (!) positive tests confirmed that, yes, indeed, I was pregnant. This came completely out of left field, and Michael and I were in a state of shock. However, a week later I started to bleed and that was that. I don’t want to call it a miscarriage because to me, I wasn’t far enough into the pregnancy to call it a miscarriage but I think calling it a chemical pregnancy undervalues what happened. My body had started to react to the change in hormones, it knew that I was pregnant. I am kind of left in limbo trying to explain what happened.
The pregnancy wasn’t meant to be and we are okay with that. In fact, the very same thing happened me in April 2012 (April is not the month I want to get pregnant in!). 4 months later and I was pregnant with Alex. With that said, the bleeding that accompanied the miscarriage was exceptionally irregular (for me) and left me in limbo for several days. Was I pregnant? Was I not? I nearly drove myself insane. Due to the bleeding being light and stopping and starting over the course of a week, the doctor was concerned that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully that was ruled out with blood tests and ultrasounds. Throughout the days of uncertainty, I knew that the pregnancy had ended but until I was 100% certain there was a tiny bit of hope that I was still pregnant.
The sudden drop in hormones has caused havoc with my body. It has brought on another flare up. I honestly cannot remember when I felt so bad. I am exhausted. I can hardly function. I go to bed at the same time as the kids and then as soon as I get up in the morning, I need to sleep again. My muscles ache and feel like they need to be stretched but also feel like they are on fire. The pain is from my feet to my head and nothing is getting rid of the headache I have had for the last 2 weeks. Two weeks ago I was so unwell I spent the weekend crawling around the house as I could not stand up straight. Unfortunately, this is the reality of a flare up. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well enough. I don’t think there really is any way that I can truly describe just how awful the symptoms are and just how unwell I really am.
I can cope with the miscarriage, I can even deal with feeling like my body is giving up on me but what I can’t deal with is just how much the events of the last month has impacted so significantly on my ability to be a mum to Alex and Emma. I’m slow moving, constantly asking them to be quiet so as not to make the never ending headache worse and not able to play with them when they ask. I’m currently conserving all my energy for one activity with them per day. This is usually a trip to the beach and the swimming, digging holes and splashing is really helping me feel much better.
As you can imagine, writing blog posts, taking pictures and sharing on social media has been at the bottom of my list of priorities over the last few weeks. I’m hoping that over the coming month I will start to feel better and then get back in the swing of managing everything in my life. Until that time comes, please bear with me. I have lots of plans in my mind for posts but actually getting around to writing them is very difficult (this post has taken 4 days due to my horrendous attention span and continuous brain block!).
If you have been through something similar, I would love to hear about it. The more we talk about these situations, the more support we can provide to one another.