The Time I Gave My Uncle A Heart Attack

 

I am joining in with blogtober, today. I had planned on joining in every day this month, but let’s face it, I struggle to post more than a few times a week let alone post every day of the month! I was quickly looking at the prompts when today’s one jumped out at me. I love a good joke, but I am pretty rubbish at them unless the opportunity presents itself – and then I just cannot resist!

 

My mum’s youngest brother was just 16 when I was born. They were and still are very close which means that he spent a lot of time with us as we were growing up. Some of my favourite memories as a child are the times I spent with him and my grandparents.When I was 9, we moved to the UK. A little under 3 years later we came home but we moved 2 hours away meaning that I didn’t get to spend as much time with my uncle and grandparents as I would have liked. We saw them for the odd weekend here and there and sometimes they came to stay with us. But it was a big change from having seen them at least once or twice a week.

 

 

 

As the years passed, he began to start a family with his wife and I would often spend time with them helping out, babysitting or just seeing them. The summer I was 15, my aunt was due her second child and I spent several weeks with them minding their then 20-month-old daughter. One night we were watching television when my uncle turned to me and said ‘if you are ever having sex and you look down and there is no condom you have to tell him that you have to leave and will pick up where you left off when he does have one’. I stared at him open-mouthed and completely mortified. I was 15 and this was NOT the kind of conversation I wanted to have with anyone! Don’t get me wrong, I was completely familiar with the idea of safe sex but as a 15-year-old, it is absolutely mortifying to have to talk to any ‘adult’ about sex! The sheer horror!!

 

Condom Practical Joke

 

A few weeks later he was visiting us for my younger brother’s birthday when we ran out of drinks and Mum brought myself and my best friend to the shop to stock up. As we walked around the shop I started telling her the story about the condoms and joked we should buy some and show him that I had listened to what he had said weeks previously. Mum overheard us talking about buying condoms and was slightly worried but once I told her exactly what had happened, she had a much better idea so we bought the condoms and off home we went.

 

We were under strict instructions to act like we had been caught doing something wrong and to tell my uncle that mum ‘wanted words with him’ because we bought condoms. His face drained of all colour as he shouted after me ‘I never told you to buy condoms!!’ We hid down the hall as mum effectively tore him a new one. He begged his innocence, pleaded with her that he never told me to buy condoms but to make sure any boyfriends had them and listened as his wife joined in with the reprimanding. Honestly, it was hilarious! I think we only lasted a few minutes before we were laughing so loudly that he caught to the fact we were pulling his leg.

 

This is the uncle who had tied me up in a blanket when I was 4 and told me that our terrifying next door neighbour ‘Matthew’ was going to come and get me if I moved an inch and then ran out the front door. I was found half an hour later when my Nana realised that I was very quiet and that he had gone out! He would tell people that he taught me how to walk by throwing me down the stairs and turned up to my 11th birthday party dressed in his wife’s strapless dress complete with red lipstick. I spent years trying to get him back and I had absolutely no qualms about letting him get a taste of his own medicine!

 

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